During the pandemic, something significant happened: I embraced my Queer identity. Two years of isolation gave me time to reflect on my thoughts and beliefs. For the longest time, I convinced myself that I had to be straight in order to maintain some type of control over my life and achieve a "normal" future—marrying a man and having children. You see, I felt powerless in relation to my disability, but at least I could feel a sense of normalcy when it came to my sexuality. Caught up in close-mindedness and ableism, I found myself trapped in a web of fear, too terrified to unveil my true self.
In a previous blog I spoke about the difficult task of untying the knots of internalized ableism, dedicating years to unraveling each untrue belief. Among these threads, there was a particular belief I needed to part ways with—a belief that compelled me to mold myself into societal expectations, striving to blend in and remain unnoticed. Since childhood, I found myself in an ongoing internal war. It led me to take quizzes online at a young age, desperately seeking validation and answers about my own sexuality. I trained myself to avert my gaze whenever an attractive girl passed by, consciously suppressing any feelings that could have blossomed for my closest friend. I went to great lengths to convince those around me that I could never be Queer, asserting that my intense admiration for boys made it impossible, even when no one asked.
I already belong to the most marginalized groups in society. I am a woman, I am Indigenous, I am disabled, and now, identifying as gay…Each facet of my identity carries its own weight of discrimination. In my mind, I believed I was completely fucked. It was painfully disheartening to realize that these strong beliefs, mostly imposed by society, had imbedded in me. I stupidly believed that I had to fit into a specific box just to feel accepted, constantly fixating on that damn word I keep bringing up—'normal'. What is this concept of "normal" anyway? Why the hell do I feel this constant pressure to conform to society's cookie-cutter rules? Well, fuck that shit. Let me tell you, over the past three years, I've finally learned to embrace my true self. I'm here to be seen, to be heard, to show up, and set an example for all those who are still searching for their own path. I'm here to show them that it's okay to be themselves. I wasted way too much time trying to squeeze into this fucking tiny box that I was clearly outgrowing and breaking free from. I refuse to spend the precious life I've been given in a miserable state of "what ifs." Nope, not happening. I'm just gonna do it. I am a woman, I am Indigenous, I am disabled, and now, I am proudly gay.
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